4.08.2006

GRADING PAPERS

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her

desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know

the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test where kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. the egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. the seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Esus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which; is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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7 comments:

ffff said...

Oh oh the giggles started in my throat and spread outwards. More laugh lines for me. Oh.. that was wonderful and showed how really really nonsensical it is to expect children, let alone adults to interpret these lovely fairy stories.
Thank you..
OH my stomach it made my day!

Eli Blake said...

Well, speaking as a former chemist, I can only mention that Lot's wife turned into a pillar of Sodom Chloride.

One has to wonder though what Bible the religious right is reading.

Here is my take on how they read the ten commandments:

I. Bush is the Lord thy God.

II. Thou shalt not make or bow down before graven images, except of course if it is these ten commandments placed in a courthouse rotunda.

III. Thou shalt not take the Name of the Lord in vain-- except when swearing a solemn oath to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, in which case it is OK.

IV. Remember the Sabbath Day-- it's a good day to reach big campaign donors at home.

V. Honor thy father and they mother. Honor is free. Social Security-- now that costs money, so you can cut it, but be sure to honor them while you are doing it.

VI. Thou shalt not kill. Except people who live in countries where they don't look like us, worship God differently and have oil.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Soliticing fourteen year olds online for sex doesn't count because they are not, strictly speaking, adults.

VII. (alternative): Thou shalt not commit adultery. Getting in bed with the pharmaceutical companies, big oil and defense contractors doesn't count.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal. If you get it through a no-bid contract from your friends and waste vast amounts of money, it isn't stealing because it has the government seal of approval on it.

IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless you are testifying before a Federal Grand Jury investigating the Plame leak.

X. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's house, nor they neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass nor anything that is thy neighbors. Unless they neighbor is from Iraq, in which case it is OK to bomb his house, kill his wife, detain his manservant and maidservant indefinitely, commandeer his ox as an illegal means of transportation and leave him standing in the middle of the street with nothing but his ass.

The Phoenix said...

Unsympathetic genitals? I have to ask my doctor about that one.

I had no idea St. Matthew was an oppussum. I thought he was a beaver.

Jack K. said...

Only one spouse called monotony. There are days like that. Thank goodness they are very few and far between.

Sodom chloride? I wondered about that. Great pun.

Children are priceless. What joy they can bring us if we only pay attention.

Thanks Karen

Perpetual Outsider said...

I found your blog while surfing the net. This was my first laugh of the day. Thank you.

Karen said...

alison~ *giggles* backacha!

eli~ good list.

phoenix~ let me know what your doc said.

jack~ "Only one spouse called monotony. There are days like that"... shhhhhhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone. {grin}

Perpetual Outsider~ Welcome! Glad to provide laughs!

Kyahgirl said...

karen, these are fabulous! thanks for the laugh.